He Showed me

Lulu Macmillan lay on the ragged quilt quietly as the night became darker. The dark clouds threatened to pour buckets of water all over the Kansas landscape. She knew she was safe inside the brick house. The room was dark, but the lamp light on the street shone in through the window reflecting off the golden hair spread across her pillow. How long had she been lying here? She didn’t know.

For the last 2 and a half months around 8:30 she would help her boys get ready for bed, while the we brushing their teeth she would go downstairs and check to make sure the doors were lock, the icebox closed, and unplug the iron. Then at 9:00pm she would tuck her three little boys into their beds, after walking through the door that divided their bedrooms she would go to the bathroom and get ready for bed. She would then read couple chapters in her bible while sitting on her bed, then lie down and pray to God. Although the schedule was the same, every night she would lose track of time, not knowing if it had been an hour or even three.

She asked Him many things while she lay there. One prayer was for her little boys, that they would grow up prosperous, with better lives than they had now. They lived in a house with a wealthy family, and in exchange for room and board for her and her sons she cooked, cleaned, and on occasion watched the family’s children. She acquired the job after being hired on temporarily by Mrs. Baxter to help with a large party she was giving. After seeing her diligence, and perhaps pitying her somewhat, she offered Lulu a job. It was an incredible blessing at this time and age; but she wanted better for her boys. She would also pray for the Baxter’s, partly because her livelihood depended on them, but also because she knew that they had given her more than she could ever work for.

More often than not at night she would lie awake for hours thinking about her past circumstances and praying that God would take away all the pain that lay within her heart. She always prayed that he would come back. But this cool May night she decided to finally face the facts. Except for God she was alone now. It was only her and three little boys. Oh God how will I make it? Where are you Lord? I feel so alone.

Two months ago in early April her husband Dale Macmillan disappeared from her life, and the lives of her boys. She tried to come up with a logical reason why he would leave. But no answers surfaced. She hurt so much, why did he leave? It was hardest facing the boys the first day after he had been missing. She had to tell her sons that their daddy never came home last night. There was more grief with each question of theirs,
“Where’s daddy?”
“Is he coming home today mommy?”
“I miss him mom.”
“Where’d he go mom?”
She tried to keep their hopes up as well as her own. But something in her spirit told her that he wouldn’t be coming back, she knew somehow that it was just she, the boys, and God.

She remembered the day after when she called the police and they came to her home. Lloyd Peterson and John Able were old friends of the Macmillan’s. So when they heard the news they were very sober.

After exchanging glances with each other, John said to her, “Lulu, I am sorry to say but we aren’t at all surprised that Dale is gone. He was hit pretty hard when you lost the house three months ago. He just wasn’t the same, we tried to help him, but he just seemed withdrawn from reality. I know you don’t want to believe the rumors, but being married to him, I would think that you would reach the same conclusion that everyone else has.” Lulu sighed after hearing John speak. She didn’t want to admit what she believed was true, “My husband wasn’t crazy.” She said stubbornly. Changing the subject she said, “ How long before I can file a missing person report?”

“24 hours,” Lloyd replied

“He was supposed to get home from work at 7:00pm, so now it has been 18 hours. Must you really wait that long?” she said. John nodded his head. “He might still come home Lulu, he was only gone overnight.”

“You know Dale, John. He always came home every night.” She said, not knowing if the information would give more hope that he would be home, or that he left for good.
“That was the old Dale, Lulu. The new one is crazy. You can’t say what he normally would do is what he would do now.”

Lulu’s anger flared. “Stop it John, Lloyd! You were his friends, how-how could you!” she jumped up from where she was sitting. “Leave!” she ordered them, pointing to the doorway. But they didn’t move from where they were standing.
“Settle down Lulu, I know it’s hard. But you must face the facts.” John pleaded with her, “I remember one day we found him singing lullabies at the park, is that normal? Is that the actions of a sane man?” Lulu ignored that statement, knowing other things that Dale had done which were equally as weird as that, but she wouldn’t say them now.

“As you said before, he might still come home.” She said, opening the door for them
“And as you said, he always comes home every night. So he must not have intended to come home at all today.” John said.

“Good bye John, bye Lloyd, I’ll be asking for your help if he doesn’t come home.” Her eyes filled with tears, but she kept them from falling down her cheek. Both officers respected her for her strength, but they wondered if it would hold after a few months.

“We’ll be here Lulu, if you need anything don’t hesitate to call.” Lulu felt the statement was meant for more than just today. The walked out the door and she shut it slowly behind them. Never feeling so alone she leaned against the closed door and cried.

Dale didn’t arrive home that day. Lulu went to the police station, and after a report was filed the police began their search. It was a small search at that; the Police force was not very good in the recent years. Because of the Depression many of the police were laid off, so an adequate search for a husband whom everyone believed was insane really didn’t come to the top of the list of important things to see to. John and Lloyd tried their best searching for him, but neither could find anything. Lulu tried doing it on her own by putting posters up and asking around in near by towns, but even putting up posters in the larger city of Topeka did not help. Dale Macmillan seemed to have disappeared into thin air.

The people of the small town didn’t help her sorrow. Dale leaving seemed to confirm the small town gossips of the rumors that surfaced before he left. Dale was insane they said, completely daffy. The Great Depression had many men with families trying with all their might to hold some ends together. Dale Macmillan was one of millions who tried. He sank into his own depression, as the fight to keep a roof over his family’s head was almost lost. In two years the Depression changed him completely until Lulu could hardly recognize the man she married. His smile that used to stretch up to his eyes, the way he would laugh and wiggle his ears at her, it was all gone. Instead of the man she married a stranger was there. Their happy and joyous marriage was over.

She had to admit she also wondered about his sanity. While struggling, he didn’t pay any attention to their boys. The three young boys used to be the apple of their father’s eye. He used to constantly be playing with them, talking to them, and teaching them thing, like how to make things with wood. They had made bookshelves, and other furniture for their home. But he hardly noticed their existence in the last months he was home.

It was after they lost their house that he began to act different, he gave up trying. Sometimes he was completely withdrawn. She would catch him staring off into the distance. Other times he just appeared to be confused with his surroundings, such as asking why the dresser was in the far corner when he was sure it was placed next to the doorway in their bedroom. She would answer him in a normal voice telling him that it had always been that way, and then secretly in her heart she would worry. These thoughts didn’t help her sleep at night now. What if he was insane, and was wandering around somewhere, all alone? She admitted that she wouldn’t hurt as much believing that he left while not in his right mind. Thinking that he left her while in his right mind---that was when the hurt really dug in.
Other rumors weren’t as pleasant as the insane theory. Whispers of other women, of Dale being too much of a coward to tough it out, talk that said she drove him away after they had lost their house. The most believed rumor was that he went away to kill himself. Lulu didn’t believe any of these, especially the latter. No matter how confused her husband may have become he wouldn’t take his life.
She turned over the double bed and touched the pillow next to her. It was clean and stiff. She hadn’t washed her sheets for three weeks after Dale left. The smell of his hair shampoo, and his body smells comforted her somewhat in the night when she still had the hope he would come home. She would take his pillow and hold it close to her chest, and remember the earlier years of their marriage where she would fall asleep in his arms.

But tonight the pillow was crisp and clean. She had removed all the remains of his smell long ago from her bed. It hurt too much to have the reminder there every night of him. She closed her eyes and imagined his face as it had been; he had dark brown eyes that filled his strong lines of his long face, his dark curly hair. The feature people most remembered were his ears. They shot out of the side of his head like signs waiting to be painted. He had teased her saying that that was his first feature that attracted her to him.

Silent tears rolled down her cheek as she prayed.
“Oh Lord, how am I to continue?” she whispered softly as though she were in a great cathedral instead of her own small room.
“Are you really there Lord? Or have you left me too?” She called out into the night.
“All I ask God is that you show me that You are really with me. That I am not completely alone in this.”
Her weariness after the long day of work finally caught up with her and she drifted off to sleep.

The next day after taking the pot of boiling hot water off the stove, Lulu made some tea and sat down at the breakfast table which was located right in the kitchen. It was ten in the morning, her time to relax. The Baxters always left the house around nine in the morning, the parents to their work and the kids to school. By nine she had everything cleaned up and could sit and drink her tea.

It was a beautiful morning. The temperature was around 70 degrees and the sun shining. She liked to sit at the breakfast table because she could look out the large window and watch her two youngest boys play in the large back yard. Johnny who was four years old, and Donald five were too young to go to school. Billy, seven years old, was the only one who went. Everyday the youngest two spent their time playing outside together.

This day they were playing in a sandbox located under a large oak tree, around the noon hour a large branch gave excellent shade to the two little boys. It was an extremely old tree, some of the large branches were dead, and leaves stopped growing on them. There was one particular branch that Mr. Baxter had talked of taking down. It was about as tall and as wide as Johnny who was 3 feet tall. She sometimes worried that is could fall on the kids for it was located directly above the sandbox. Mr. Baxter promised he would get someone to cut it down. He hadn’t yet though. It sort of was the story of the whole place, he wanted to do improvements, but couldn’t because he didn’t have the time.

She thought it amazing how serious the two boys were with what they were doing in the sandbox, as though it was the most important job in the world. Donny on his knees carefully made little houses using small kitchen bowls for molds. Johnny used a stick to make roads. She could see that the sandbox was almost entirely full of their “town”.

She sat there and watched them play. The depression she had last night seemed to be a dream. The day was too bright, too beautiful, how could she ever doubt God? She knew how, exactly how her husband had doubted. When the hardships came, one always had the same choices. You either held on to your faith praising God as Job in the bible did. Or turn your back on Him and blame Him for your troubles. She had thought the easy route was to keep her faith in God, but when the “why” questions rose, her mind was a battlefield. She thought about the way her family had been taken cared of. The position she had here at the Baxter house, was a position any women these days would give anything to have. She knew that should be enough to prove to herself that God was watching out for her. But doubts still came, the “what ifs” still penetrated her mind.

“Oh God” she said as she tried to straighten out her thinking.
Her thoughts were interrupted, “Momma, momma!” Johnny ran through the house yelling.
“John,” she said in a stern voice, when he arrived in front of her “how many times have I told you not to run in the house?”
“A lot of times, but its important.” He said, while grabbing her hand.
“Come look at our town, we almost filled the whole sand box.”
“I can see it from here Johnny.”
“Yes, but its better seeing close. Please mom?” his little brown eyes pleaded with her.
“Okay, I’m coming.” She said ruffling his dark brown hair. Smiling at his excitement she set her tea aside and walked to the side door that led to the back yard.
“Here she comes Donny,” Johnny said.
Donald looked up from where he was sitting. “Mom, look isn’t this neat?”
He pointed to the middle of the sandbox, “That’s where the town hall is. Over there is the gas station.” He pointed to one of the corners. “And here is our house. Not this house with the Baxter’s, but our old house with dad. Its sort of small, but that house was small.”

Lulu smiled at him, he always remembered his dad. Looking over their creation she marveled at the detail they had accomplished. They had gathered grass to make lawns, had little stick people standing around. The grocery, and the butchery were there, all the streets. What she admired most was the small church. They had taken two twigs and tied them together into a little cross that was poked into the top of the sand mold.
“It’s wonderful boys, I love it.” She said. The two little boys’ faces spread into smiles. They loved her so much. She was all they had now. Her praise meant the world to them.

“Well it looks like you have some more space to fill up boys.” She said, indicating the two-square foot spot behind each of them, and the spot underneath them. It was a large sandbox, 7x7 feet. She was amazed that they had almost covered the whole area.
“Oh yeah, there’s still a lot of town we can put in there. Don’t worry mom we’ll keep doing it.” Johnny said in a serious voice.
“Okay. I think I’ll go over to the garden and start pulling some weeds, tell me when you’re finished, and I will come and inspect.”
“Come on Johnny we should hurry.” Donald said, sitting back down into the sand.

Lulu walked over to the vegetable garden located underneath the window of the kitchen. There weren’t any vegetables yet, for they had just finished planting the seeds last week. The early spring sure didn’t stop the weeds from growing. After weeding awhile she looked back to the boys and watched them. It was wonderful that they were so happy. “Thank You God, for my boys. I don’t know how I would go on without them.” She prayed. She saw that they finished everything but the ground beneath them, so they jumped out of the box and started on that part.

She started weeding again, the sun’s rays on her back felt good. She looked up to see where the sun was, wondering if it was close to lunchtime or not. The large oak tree blocked some of her view; the sun was shining over the large branch. Her eyes focused on the branch, it looked different somehow. It looked like it was bending downward. Thinking she must be seeing things she went back to weeding.

A couple seconds later she heard a CRACK! She stopped weeding. For some reason looked up only to see the branch directly above the sandbox fall, plummeting toward the earth. “No!” she cried. Donald and Johnny looked when they heard their mother’s cry. Seconds seemed as hours as she watched the branch fall toward her sons.

“Oh God no!” she yelled dropping to her knees. A loud crash, and two screams erupted. She closed her eyes, wanting it to go away. She started crying, she not opening her eyes, too afraid of what might be in front of her. She felt little hands touch her, and she looked up. Donald and Johnny were there, right beside her. Lulu couldn’t begin to describe her relief. It felt as though a thousand pound weight had been thrown on her and then been taken as quickly off as it had been put on.

“Oh my boys, my boys.” She cried as she hugged them close. She looked into their eyes, they were crying also. Finally she gazed over at the sandbox. The large branch lay right in the middle of the sandbox directly over the area where her sons had been sitting before they had jumped out of the sandbox.
“Oh God,” If they had gotten out just a little later... She didn’t want to think about the result that could have been.
“Momma,” Johnny said between cries, “It wrecked our town.”
“I know Johnny, but you can always rebuild. You can always start new.”
“Mom I don’t want to start again, I like the old town better. I don’t think we can do it as good.” Donald told her,
“It’s always hard to start something new when something you loved and worked hard for is gone, but God always wants us to keep going and never quit.” She paused realizing how much her words could mean for her own life. She needed to start fresh without looking back at what had been with Dale. Instead she must look to the future and never quit.

It was so close- so close to having another half of her family gone. “Oh God thank you. I asked You to show me that we were with me, watching over my family. I’m so sorry that I doubted You.”

Don, Johnny and her walked over to the sandbox. The entire town was wrecked it looked like. Well Mr. Baxter won’t need someone to take down that branch anymore. They started breaking off braches and stacking them in a pile.
“Mommy look.” Johnny pointed to a part of the sandbox. Lulu walked close and looked down. Right next to the branch was the little sand church. Perfectly intact, with it’s little stick cross. Five stick people were standing outside. “That’s you, me, Donny, and Billy, mommy. See we aren’t wrecked at all.
If she needed anymore proof this certainly satisfied that.
“That’s right Johnny, we aren’t wrecked at all.” Lulu smiled.